How Could I Tell Him

(((This is how I am feeling about my ex-boyfriend that I haven't seen or talked to in over a year.  We used to be really close.  I'm about to see him in a couple of weeks for the first time.  I really miss him and I'm uncontrollably still in love with him.  It's a tragedy as of now.)))

How could I tell him. How could he know that what I was struggling with over a year ago. Those sick thoughts I began to think. Every step. Every whisper. Every secret I told only him and no one else. Still haunt me today. How could I tell him that I've finally figured it out. How can he know today that my sickness in translated by my body. How can he really understand that I am only a reflection of what I see. But that today my bones only relate me to the repetition of a common, disgusting disease. And to what I would starve for 1 year ago, is what I became today. Will he think I am a shadow of what I was. Or that I am nothing more than what I have become. Can I truly be the same in his eyes. Can I truly be who I am when he looks at me. If I became this way for a truth unknown, how can he love me. How could he really see who I am if I've lost what I was. Will he equate what's happened, and what is now, to how I have finally and ultimately figured it out. That over the year without him, I became a master and perfecter of denying myself pleasure and
necessity. I have denied myself food. I finally figured it out. And my body reflects what imperfection still remains.

How could I tell him...

 

That I want to scream.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6JansGfpf4 

My Beautiful, Horrible Secret

I want to tell you all that I believe in you.  And because of that, I must believe in myself.  I can do this and this time it's going to actually happen.

Current weight: 110 lbs
Goal weight: 95 lbs
Need to lose: 15 lbs

My 17th birthday is in 10 days and I am determined to lose at least 5-8 lbs by then.  That way I will be under 105 in time for birthday pictures.  I hope to be thin and beautiful in them so that I can look back and smile.

I just ordered an XS dress online.  It's the cutest dress I have ever seen and if I can fit in it for my birthday, I'll be the happiest girl alive!  I can't wait for it to come in the mail!

I have this new boyfriend.  One more person to love.  One more person to keep this from.  And that's for a fact, that he will never know.  It makes me think, I've been obsessed with losing weight for over a year now and I haven't told a soul about how truly obsessive it is.  And I plan to keep it that way.  I know that if anyone I know were to ever find out, they would be so disappointed that I kept something so huge from them.  But since they will never find out, all will be well.  This is just one of those things that no one has to know, even the closest people in your lives.

This is my beautiful, horrible secret.

1 1/2

Just lost 1 1/2 lbs since yesterday.
CW: 113 lbs

update

CW: 114.5 lbs

losing 20 lbs and fading

Do you think people would notice if I lost weight?  If I lost 10 lbs (to 105 lbs).  Do you think people would start saying something at that point.  What about 20 lbs (to 95 lbs).  Do you think something would be mentioned?  I don't have much to say and sometimes I think I'm fading.  Disappearing before anyone's eyes.  Before and between my own eyes I sometimes see nothing.  As if the second you step in front of the mirror you see nothing of yourself.  You have vanished from the face of this Earth and the only thing that remains is blubbering, revolting fat.  Your bones haven't even surfaced to be visually appealing because the fat is covering them in blankets of thick, impenetrable overflow of flesh.  I apologize for all my complaining.  I promise that come August 23rd (when school begins) I will have made great progress.  I will do this.  I can do this.

don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat

signed...
a fading, dull, and invisible girl.

CW: 116 lbs

Let's Do This!

So guess what I'm doing right this moment.  I'm eating a chocolate chip and pecan cookie with a tall ice cold glass of milk.  Tonight is my last "meal" and I wanted to make it whatever I wanted.  So I picked milk and cookies, my personal favorite (:  Tomorrow starts my life.  No matter what, I will do this!  And tomorrow is a water fast day to purge my system of impurities.  I'm more excited than I've ever been to do something so... pure and perfect.  By August 23 I will be 100 lbs.  No excuses!  Come first day of school I will be beautiful.  I just got back from the beautiful New York City and I am more inspired than ever.  Plus, I got the cutest clothes there that I know I would look great in if I lost 20 lbs.  An easy 20 lbs because my mind is set.  It's not just the weight.  I want to purge myself of all impurities.  I'm going to make it a promise to myself, to keep my room and my personal belongings in an organizable sort of way, clean and beautiful.  I want to make my life my own, and losing the weight is the first step while at the same time keeping my surroundings neat.  And I want to learn a new instrument.  I want to learn the violin.  So I'm going to decide when school starts back up if I have the time to do so.  And if I do, you'll be the first to know!   And this year, I'm going to work 10 times...no, 20 times as hard on my ballet.  I want to be the best.  This next month is crunch time.

On another note, I wanted to develop the best inspiration possible.  I think we all need support sometimes, or all the time, and I think that if some of us grouped together, just a small group, then we could really help each other out when in the past we've given up.  We could e-mail each other back and forth, giving frequent updates to keep us in line for our weight loss, ya know?  If you want to do that then just e-mail me or comment on here.

A Little Self-Hate To Quicken The Pace

You are fat because you eat.  Those two in the morning brownies aren't going to enter your body without adding a little weight.  No.  A lot of weight.  A lot of disgusting weight.  They go in with a smile, you know.  A smirk.  Look at your lack of discipline.  You can't put down a simple brownie for the sake of shedding those extra pounds just for a quick and instant sugar gratification to later be filled with regret and hateful remorse?  You sicken me and you know you are a failure when you take that bite.  You are filled with fat.  It's bubbling inside you.  It's a disease inside you.  How can you stand to keep it inside you.  Lose 10 pounds and then we'll talk.  Until then, don't even talk to me you sick, disgusting, huge excuse for a dancer.

Current Weight is still.... 113 lbs.

Ridding Myself Of Excess

Do you know what I do when no one is home?  I reach the dark corners of a box and sink down until tears fall from my face and two fingers are forced into my throat while my stomach filled to the brim wastes away into liquid emptiness.  I do it until I cannot anymore.  Could anyone know that I am vacantly ridding myself of excess.  And who would think to stop and detect the glimpse of fading that reassigns itself to different parts of my day.  Who could vaguely realize that I, myself, am wasting away.  And that until my physical appearance alters to something that begins to worry, no one will notice.  How small do the numbers have to get before someone notices.  How much do you think I can get away with. 

I have purged 3 times in the last 4 days.  No one is ever home.  Tomorrow I will not eat.  No food will pass these lips.  Water is all I am allowed.  I must be strict with myself.  If I cannot do this, what am I worth?

I hope my boyfriend never gains knowledge of this disgusting secret.
--------------------------------------------------

I love this song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1q8s58mK-Cs
...and this one - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nN5pOK6y42o

Life is a dream and ignorance is fueled by nightmares.

It gives me identity.  It gives me bones.  It gives me air.  What am I.

Ballet = Life

Things aren't going very well right now.  That's all I'll say.  I'm starting a liquid fast (10 days), kind of going by this: http://www.prettythin.com/apps/forums/topics/show/2569720-lets-fast-together-

I have a month to lose about 15 lbs.  Gonna work hard and reap the benefits at the end.  I need to look good for my dance recital in June, and be fit for the ballet summer intensive right afterward.  I've been going to the gym every chance I can get.  It's the Advanced Summer Ballet Intensive and it's going to be 4 weeks long, 5 days a week, 4 hours a day.  Plus I'll still have to work on the weekends.  I'm so excited for it but I'm going to have to work hard in the meantime until I get there.

For art class we have to do a concentration.  3 pieces that have a central theme to connect each of them to each other.  I chose to do my concentration on ballet.  I've also been watching, and re-watching, movies and documentaries on ballet and all types of dance.  Music and movement really do match perfectly together.   

My whole life is ballet and dance, and I love every minute of it.

CW: 113

Auditions and Revelations

I was reading a blog earlier about this girl who was closing hers down for good.  Reason being, her boyfriend found it.  That got me thinking a little.  I mean, what if someone found this blog, someone I know.  How would they react.  They would surely react negatively.  No one I  know could see the positivity I hold in this.  This is my safety, my comfort, the place I find girls like me that pursue the same goal and bear the same past.  We all need each other.  And we all need Ana/Mia.  To survive in this world we call home where people lie and cheat, and the best sincerity you find is in the sun itself.  I speak to you from my heart and from the bottom of my empty stomach.  This life is the life I lead.  Completely secret.  It's the first and last thing on my mind at all times.  Ana and Mia never go away.  Most people I know probably haven't even ever heard of Pro Ana sites or anything like that.  I wonder what they would think if they knew. 

On another note, I have a ballet audition to get into this one really good school.  It's this Saturday.  Wish me luck, I'm so excited and nervous at the time time.

Also, I've lost 5 lbs.  15 to go until I'm at 100.  Gonna buy some new clothes when I get my paycheck this Friday.

Love you all,
xxpaperdollxx

CW: 115 lbs

my life is dark

What's wrong with me?  I purged this evening again.  This time, way more than the past 4 times.  This makes 5 times I've purged total.  I ate over 2,000 cal today.  Complete binge.  I couldn't handle it.  And I threw up.. a lot.  My throat hurts but I don't know... whenever I purge, its like there's something that clicks inside of me that makes things bearable.  That's weird.. I know.  What's wrong with me...

Tomorrow my friends want to go out to eat breakfast before school so I'll be forced to eat.  I'll have...1 1/2 pancakes out of the 3 that come on the plate.  I'll ask for no butter.  And I will eat NOTHING else the rest of the day.  So that will be around 165 cal.  

My friends are picking me up at 6:00 in the morning.  Waking up at 4:00 because I want to be pretty.  That may seem strange but I'm a morning person.  Mornings are laced with blissful waking before memory restores and secondary equity as the darkness exemplifies the time before the sun rises rather than a time to resemble an elongated time of darkness.

I'm using this website to monitor my weight.  It's a really good tool to overview everything you're doing.
http://fitday.com/

this is a life of skin and bones.  fat is the enemy.  control is the fixative.  while everything in our lives fall apart, one thing is within itself, solid.  this life is dark.

new goal: fit into size 00 jeans.  100 lbs.

stay beautiful girls and love yourselves.  sometimes that's all we've got <3

Truth Lie In Numbers

This is war.  A battle between food and air.  Empty and full combat in their everlasting hostility.  I need food to live.  I need air to live full.  I fast.  After I breathe in the empty air it expands in my stomach and makes me feel artificially full.  Numbers fade.  Reduce.  Diminish.  And life is once again what it's supposed to be. 

I purged this afternoon after eating too much.  My stomach was expanding, overflowing through my insides until it ruptured out of me.  Fat suppressed my spirit and numbers were large.  I purged more than I've ever purged during one sitting.  I usually get too scared after 2-4 times sticking fingers down my throat.  This time I may have done it 10 times in one sitting.  I purged last week also.  Equaling 4 times in total.  It's getting easier to purge now. 

My dad told me I'm a piece of shit.  My ex-boyfriend is spreading rumors that I'm a lesbian.  I don't understand what I've done wrong.  Everything hurts so much.  It's unbearable.  I skipped school today because I couldn't face him or anyone because I know they are just laughing at me.  I don't understand how people can be so mean.  So I stayed home depressed.  And those thoughts slowly crept up in my mind.  Why be here if it's so difficult to be happy?  Then my friend was talking to me, asked why I wasn't at school.  So I told him.  That's something I don't usually do.  So he invited me over and we hung out.  He cheered me up and listened to what I had to say.  That made me feel better but I dread going to school tomorrow, more than you know.

Instant suicide is frightening and sudden.  Anorexia and Bulimia are slow suicides...

CW: 120 lbs

Goal Weights

Goal Weight 1 - 106 lbs (17.1 BMI)
Goal Weight 2 - 98 lbs (15.8 BMI)

Current Weight - 116 lbs (18.7 BMI)

I've been stuck at 116 for a while but that's because I haven't been really crazy with my caloric restriction.  With my new job, school, and ballet combined, I can't restrict too much or else I'd probably pass out.  I'm trying to keep it healthy but at the same time, pleasant to eat.  Plus, I don't want to start getting irritable like I get when I restrict too much.  I dislike being irritable.  Anyways, it's time to lose 10 lbs.  I've done it in 2 weeks before so I'm hoping I can do the same here, or at least a time-line similar.  Even if I'm not restricting a lot right now, I'm still keeping my portions small and I'm always thinking about what is going in my mouth, adding up potential calories and servings in my head at the end of the day.  Cleaning up the house and then going to go on a run later.  Woke up early today and its only noon right now.  The whole day is ahead of me [:

Good day today <3

Optimism

I accept yesterday.  I am happy today.  I am optimistic about tomorrow.  I've put together some things for myself.  Here's what I have come up with...

When my mother was my age she was 100 lbs at 5'4''.  I am 5'6'' right now at 117 lbs.  Her BMI was 17.2 and my BMI will be 17.1 at 106 lbs.  So that is my first goal and I know it is definitely attainable.  If I keep up with the below nutrition and a good exercise program, I'll be there in no time at all!

I feel like painting this evening :D

Here is today's caloric consumption:

7:40 AM- Breakfast
Special K Cereal (Vanilla Almond)
Whole Milk
     -190
12:30 PM - Lunch
Turkey Sandwich (White Bread, Turkey Slice, Lettuce)
Baked Potato Chips (100 cal pack)
     -250?
9:00 PM - Dinner
Small Salad (Romaine Lettuce, Thin Apple Slices, Chopped Almonds and Cashews, Vinaigrette Spray Dressing (10 sprays = 10 calories (about 35 sprays)))
Fruit Salad (Apple Cubes, 5 Grapes, Banana Slices, Strawberry Slices, Small Handful of Cashews)
      -150?
Total Calories = 590? (more or less)

The calories I totaled up are just guesses.  I ate a variety of foods today but each was a low-calorie meal.  I also had small servings.  Today was a very good day.

Apples make everything taste better.

750

Job interview tomorrow after school.   Also going to be trying out for the school band during school.  And I'm sick right now with a cold.  Worst time but that's what Advil is for.  I can't afford to be sick.  There's too much to do.  I'm happy with my calories intake today though.  Good day overall.

1 can chicken noodle soup - 160
10 water crackers - 140
4 plain waffle - 380
1 diced peaches - 70
        =750

117 lbs (I can feel the fat festering in my body.)

this is disappointing...

I can't stop eating....

Size 0

ƒriday (2/19/10):
tilapia and steamed broccoli - 300 cal
    =300 calories
2.5 mile distance (alternating run/walk [total 1/2 each])

I don't know what I weigh in at right now.  Going to buy size 0 jeans today ƒor inspiration.
            -stay beautiƒul <3

Fading

Expected Body Weight - 101 lbs
Current Weight - 116 lbs

Today = Fail.  Was hungry.  Thus I ate.  What is wrong with me?

Breakfast - 1 Bowl of Special K Cereal (2 Servings, 1 1/2 Cup[220]) and Whole Milk (1 Cup[180])
Lunch - 1/3 Turkey Sandwich (Bread [100], 2 pieces of turkey[76], lettuce [3]) and 1 pack of Baked Potato Chips [100]
Dinner - 6'' Subway Sandwich (Bread [150], 2 pieces of turkey[76], 1 1/2 salami[100], 1 1/2 peperoni[50], lettuce [8], 1 1/2 pepper jack cheese[120], 2 tbsp Mayo[200]) and 2 Bowls of Special K Cereal (2 Servings each[440]) and Whole Milk (1 Cup[360])

Total Calories = 2183... these numbers are shameful and I am disgusted in myself.  I don't even know if the websites I got these calories from are reliable. So I don't know what the real number is.  Though I dread putting that large number up, they make me look weak.  But this blog is about truth.  And this is today's awful truth.  From now on I'll only eat food with the calories on the package.  I need to keep better track of my daily intake.
(cry, restrict that fat out of you.  how can you stand to look at yourself you disgusting, fat, weak, little girl)

I don't deserve to sleep tonight.  So I will not sleep.  Tomorrow is a time for self-sacrifice.  If I can't do this, I can't do anything.  If I can't amount to this expectation, what point is there for me to try anything else.  This is the obstacle and small achievement I must pursue.  Stress takes its toll.

Plan for the weekend...
2/19/10 Friday - Fasting Day
5:00 AM - Run for 30 min
8:00 AM to 4:00 PM - School
4:30 PM - Run for 30 min, 100-200 situps, 30-50 pushups, 100-200 squats, 100 stair runs (up/down=1), 100-200 squats, 50-100 leg lifts (front, side, back), dance practice - bar work and recital.
Stretches - ALL

2/20/10 Saturday - Fasting Day
Goal Weight - 114 lbs
Should do above exercises if possible

2/21/10 Sunday - Fasting Day
Goal Weight - 112 lbs
Should do above exercises if possible 

2/22/10 Monday - School
Goal Weight - 110 lbs

Projected Weight Loss:
6 lbs in 4 days... = Extreme weight loss... after that let the numbers fade to the double digits...

and I'm fading..

Zero

Wednesday 2/17/2010 - 0 Calories
116 lbs.

Perfection

Acrobats.  Dancers.  Gymnasts.  This is my perfection.  Smile love, for the end is near and the new beginning can't wait any longer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOF4c3RD19Y&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzHCe6OpM1U&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUrJuSh0evE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQ0L24YbGGI&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDMID8w1JuY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gz4LKiJZsdY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaRJFM3EAZw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuAEf6GR7ys

Let us create the music that will make us get up and dance.  Move to the beat that makes your soul sing.

Falling Into Pieces

I purged again this evening....  I'm ashamed of myself and my small grip on life I had is falling away.  I planned on eating nothing today because after purging the first time, I'm (1) scared of food (2) hanging with friends, they make you eat bad things and everything in sight (3) thus I feel disgusting.  So my plan went well until I went to the movies with my friends and this guy gave me chocolates for Valentine's Day.  I didn't want to be rude, so I ate them (3 1/2 pieces.)  Then I told them I'd be right back.  Left the theater, threw away the rest of it, went into the bathroom and...purged it all up.  Then I went back into the theater and acted like nothing had just happened.  I haven't eaten anything since and I don't plan on it.  I don't want to ever purge again.  I'd rather not eat than purge when I eat too much.

I'm falling into pieces inside.  Allow me to keep myself perfect on the outside so no one worries.  I don't want anyone to worry.  Inside, I'm a tangled up, disgusting, screaming, mess.  I feel very worthless.  I don't deserve anything.  I wish to be perfect.... 

Dear Mia

I'm scared.  For the first time during these starving circumstances, I just purposely threw up.  I binged.  And the incredibly full feeling in my stomach scared me.  I don't want all that to turn into fat.  I'm up to 118 again right now.  I'm beginning to wonder if how incredibly large and fat I really look is based on my actual weight, or the eyes I'm looking through.  Sometimes, I could weigh 115 and I look perfectly fine in the mirror, even though the weight seems high.  Then I'll be 110 and I'll have huge thighs, flabby arms, triple chins, etc.  I'll be completely disgusting even though the weight is numerically lower.  Sometimes I think my scale tells me lies just to mess with my head.

binge this evening...
...3 bowls of cereal, 1 cup of cran-apple juice, 5 wheat crackers, 5 thin slices of cheese,  5 chick-fil-a nuggets, 5 chick-fil-a waffle fries, 1 glass of lemonade...


I felt disgustingly full.  My mom's not home, and my brother's upstairs.  So I...went to my mom's bathroom.  Turned on the sink water to high.  Pushed my fingers back into my throat 20 times before I could do it.  I cried while I threw up.  Flushed the toilet.  Washed my mouth.  Wiped my tears.  Brushed my teeth.  Acted like nothing happened.

My throat hurts and my stomach is churning.  I feel like crying yet feel strangely happy at the same time.  I'm talking to people normally now.  I'm telling them lies.  If anyone knew the truth about me... well....I don't know what to say about that hypothetical situation.  I don't think I threw up enough of the food in my stomach, I don't feel empty yet.  But I'm too scared to go back into that bathroom and stick those fingers back down my throat.  So I'll stick with what I've got.  It is much better than before I threw up....  the way I talk now scares me.

perfecting my emptiness

1:27 AM
I feel...
inadequate.  lost.  shaken.  fragile.  sick.  disturbed.  imperfect.  miserable.  useless.  invisible.  and forgotten.

115 lbs - 1/31/10

5 Day Fast - Day 4

Today is not a good day.  Final Exams are really getting to me.  I'm trying to get sleep but no matter how much I get, I'm still extremely exhausted.  All I want to do is lie down and just...sleep.  I'm so stressed out.  I had an extreme melt-down over the smallest thing last night.  I was hyperventilating and everything.  I couldn't hold myself together.  I'm getting kind of irritated easily too.  I just have no energy.  Walking to my different classes today just wore me out.  Something as simple as that.

So I thought it was the lack of calories I've had lately.  I've hardly eaten anything lately, and I've been working out and going to ballet during that lack-of-calorie-intake.  I have a hard time being myself.  It's a chore to act like I have energy.  It's hard to keep my arm in the air.  I'm just so...tired.  So I tried to eat some today.  I'll tell you it was probably between 500-1000 cal.  I dunno where in the middle though.  I don't really feel like counting the calories I ate today.  I'm just going to feel worse about myself.  I'm set in self-destructive mode and I can't get out of it.  I feel horrible.  Eating didn't help at all.  If anything, I feel worse.  Life just sucks and fasting is making me remember everything bad that's going on in my life.  So I will fast more, so that I can forget everything bad that's going on in my life.

I know this is bad.  My life is slowly and surely spinning out of control as long as I stay so tightly in control like this.  I force myself to be perfect.  Anything less I will not accept.  Numbers and words matter.  Feelings do not.  For me.  I might be going to the gym tomorrow.  Which means I'll be weighing myself tomorrow.  I dread this but I know I must do it.  I feel like eating today and yesterday made me gain 10 pounds.  We'll see tomorrow. 

5 Day Fast - Day 3

This morning I woke up and I could barely get out of bed.  I felt quite sick to my stomach but this is what really got me.  When I tried going down the stairs to get some stuff out of the dryer, my legs were so shaky and I had to really hold on to the bar to make sure I didn't fall down.  So after I got back up the stairs, I took a shower.  In the shower, I tried lifting my arm, and this usually simple task took so much effort.  I had to support myself up against the wall to hold my arm up to wash my hair.  Also, during and after the shower I was extremely out of breath.  Even though all I was doing was standing up.  I was very dizzy.  And I felt like my knees would buckle at any second.  So I went downstairs and made some eggs and toasted a bagel.  That helped.  I kept the amount low though so I think I did a pretty good job not binging or anything considering I haven't eaten hardly anything the past few days.

So after that I felt too full, a little disgusting actually.  During the first part of school I was feeling alright but the morning calories didn't last me long.  I started feeling quite exhausted and even walking was a chore.  After school I felt so completely spent.  Plus I noticed I was being kind of irritable to people I usually had no problem with.  So I asked my mom to stop by Chick-Fil-A and got a chicken salad sandwich (it was healthy-looking.)  I needed calories to make it through an hour and half of ballet.

Even with eating this stuff today, during ballet I had a couple of "black-out" moments.  You know, when you momentarily black-out but don't pass out or anything?  Yeah, not good.  I'm glad I ate what I did or else I might have fainted.  And that would be NOT GOOD.  So make a note: on ballet-days eat more than usual.

So I got home and had the last 1/4 of my chicken salad sandwich and one of those small cups of peaches (70 cal.)  I still feel pretty worn-out though.

Tomorrow I have ballet right after school and then flute lesson.  So I have to eat something before I go to those or else I will pass out.  I'm thinking of not eating until the drive between school and ballet (after school.)  And I'm going to keep that my only meal.  So that should be around 500 calories exactly.

Here's my food consumption today:

7:00 AM
1 1/2 eggs - 111
1 mini bagel - 120
1 tbsp 1/2cal butter - 50

5:30 PM (before ballet)
3/4 chicken salad sandwich - 375

8:40 PM (after ballet)
1/4 chicken salad sandwich - 125
1 cup of peaches - 70

TOTAL CALORIES = 851

(I know it is against the fasting-rules to have that many calories.  But I had to eat or else I was going to pass out.  And then that means attention on me.  And since I'm losing weight at a fast pace, that's not a good idea at the moment.)

5 Day Fast - Day 2

Just got back from a major work-out session at the gym.  I feel good about it.  And I found the greatest invention made by man!  At the gym I go to, there's this machine that works the inner thighs.  I don't know why I never saw it before!  It's amazing.  Greatest thing, I swear.

So at this lovely place we like to call the gym, they have this lovely thing we like to call scales.  I was scared to weigh myself.  But I've been doing pretty well regarding my calories a couple days before the fast started anyways so I was hoping that would count for something.  And it turned out actually better than expected.  I am 108.8 lbs at the moment.  By the end of this fast, that should lower at least.... 4 lbs?  Then I'll be 104.  Which would make me so incredibly happy.

The only thing I've eaten today is half a banana this morning, so say... 70 calories?  My mom is bringing me dinner, so I'll probably hide that.

And... health-related.  Today towards the end of the school day (around 2:00 in the afternoon) I started feeling really light-headed.  And since then I've been feeling really sick to my stomach.  I suppose that means I'm doing well (:

I'm on a fasting/exercise high right now so I'm happy haha.  Today is a lovely day!

5 Day Fast - Day 1

Started a 5 day fast today.  Rules are that you can't exceed 500 calories (gives a safety for parents making you eat dinner, etc.)  Today I only had a small dinner because my mother made me, well under 500 cal.  

Here's the group-fast: http://pana43.blogspot.com/2010/01/for-fasters.html

Stay BEAUTIFUL <3

Good Day

Today is a good day.  I'm pretty elated at the moment.  On Thursday, after my ballet class, one of the girls looked at me and said "how do you stay so skinny?"  This made me so incredibly happy I can't even describe.  It's the "have you lost weight" compliment.  It means my dieting and exercising is working.  That one comment made my week... no made my month.   I just have to keep it up.

Went to the store today, got a lot of cool low-calorie foods.  I'm so glad there is so much to choose from.  So far today I've only had 250 calories.  I'm going to have one of my frozen dinners, probably around 300 calories max, so my total will probably be around 500 calories.  Good day.  Just... good day.  I'm really getting back into rigorously counting my calories.  I eat less that way.  One thing I do need to work  on is my exercise.  Being in ballet does help, but if I could squeeze in some of that extra physical activity, I could really boost this weight-loss.  I still do not, unfortunately, have a scale to measure my weight.  It's not working.  Hopefully my mom will get another one on her own, though I doubt it because we are so broke right now.  I'll just have to rely on the scale at the gym (which is much more accurate anyways) and will force me to work-out more.  Win-win I suppose in this situation.

Next time I weigh myself I will be 105 or less.  I won't weigh myself until I think I'm there.  That will inspire me to really work hard on this.  Wish me luck.  And remember you are all beautiful <3

one shot

"If you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted, one moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?"

the new year

I am exhausted but I cannot sleep.  I have worked on my painting, completed assembling 2 drawers of my new 6-drawer dresser, downloaded a shitload of music, and pondered the meaning of life.  Now it's 2:00 in the morning... the morning of the first day back at school since the 2 week break... and I cannot sleep.  No need to mention that I have to "wake up" for school in 4 hours... although I just did...

So at the moment I'm listening to some good old Damien Rice.  Chill-out kind of music.  No doubt everyone else is probably asleep so they're not deadbeat-tired for school.  I still need to finish the doll I'm making for my friend.  I should be finishing the doll.  But just...one more day.

Today marks the beginning.  The beginning of my new life, my new goals, my new aspirations and accomplishments.  Today marks the first day of a long journey to my success and to my happiness.  It won't be an easy one but I am hell-bent on getting there.  I can be someone.  Someone important.  Someone other people want to be around and look up to.  A good role model.  A good friend.  Someone with a portfolio of accomplishments.  Creativity, imagination, freedom, movement.  I can be someone.  Someone happy.

By the way I don't have a weigh-in because the scale isn't working.  I'll write in some numbers as soon as possible.

Also I love this quote: "Starve my pain away, make me beautiful, make everything ok, turn my problems into bone, crush them up, gather the remains, blow away the dust."

Oh and by the way here are my new years resolutions:
1. weigh 95 lbs
2. go on pointe
3. be in the nutcracker
4. paint 1 painting a month
5. draw a comic
6. learn blender program and create 3D animation
7. start youtube video blog
8. write a book
9. read and finish 1 book a week
10. practice flute 1 hour a day (practice at least 5 days a week)
11. keep room clean
12. work harder at school
13. get a job
14. eat less
15. exercise more
         -10 min constant running, every three days increase 1 min (at least 4 times a week)
         -100 sit-ups a day
         -50 push-ups a day
         -stretch every day
         -3 sets of 30 sec back-bridge-bends.

 And last: you are all beautiful <3