perfecting my emptiness

1:27 AM
I feel...
inadequate.  lost.  shaken.  fragile.  sick.  disturbed.  imperfect.  miserable.  useless.  invisible.  and forgotten.

115 lbs - 1/31/10

5 Day Fast - Day 4

Today is not a good day.  Final Exams are really getting to me.  I'm trying to get sleep but no matter how much I get, I'm still extremely exhausted.  All I want to do is lie down and just...sleep.  I'm so stressed out.  I had an extreme melt-down over the smallest thing last night.  I was hyperventilating and everything.  I couldn't hold myself together.  I'm getting kind of irritated easily too.  I just have no energy.  Walking to my different classes today just wore me out.  Something as simple as that.

So I thought it was the lack of calories I've had lately.  I've hardly eaten anything lately, and I've been working out and going to ballet during that lack-of-calorie-intake.  I have a hard time being myself.  It's a chore to act like I have energy.  It's hard to keep my arm in the air.  I'm just so...tired.  So I tried to eat some today.  I'll tell you it was probably between 500-1000 cal.  I dunno where in the middle though.  I don't really feel like counting the calories I ate today.  I'm just going to feel worse about myself.  I'm set in self-destructive mode and I can't get out of it.  I feel horrible.  Eating didn't help at all.  If anything, I feel worse.  Life just sucks and fasting is making me remember everything bad that's going on in my life.  So I will fast more, so that I can forget everything bad that's going on in my life.

I know this is bad.  My life is slowly and surely spinning out of control as long as I stay so tightly in control like this.  I force myself to be perfect.  Anything less I will not accept.  Numbers and words matter.  Feelings do not.  For me.  I might be going to the gym tomorrow.  Which means I'll be weighing myself tomorrow.  I dread this but I know I must do it.  I feel like eating today and yesterday made me gain 10 pounds.  We'll see tomorrow. 

5 Day Fast - Day 3

This morning I woke up and I could barely get out of bed.  I felt quite sick to my stomach but this is what really got me.  When I tried going down the stairs to get some stuff out of the dryer, my legs were so shaky and I had to really hold on to the bar to make sure I didn't fall down.  So after I got back up the stairs, I took a shower.  In the shower, I tried lifting my arm, and this usually simple task took so much effort.  I had to support myself up against the wall to hold my arm up to wash my hair.  Also, during and after the shower I was extremely out of breath.  Even though all I was doing was standing up.  I was very dizzy.  And I felt like my knees would buckle at any second.  So I went downstairs and made some eggs and toasted a bagel.  That helped.  I kept the amount low though so I think I did a pretty good job not binging or anything considering I haven't eaten hardly anything the past few days.

So after that I felt too full, a little disgusting actually.  During the first part of school I was feeling alright but the morning calories didn't last me long.  I started feeling quite exhausted and even walking was a chore.  After school I felt so completely spent.  Plus I noticed I was being kind of irritable to people I usually had no problem with.  So I asked my mom to stop by Chick-Fil-A and got a chicken salad sandwich (it was healthy-looking.)  I needed calories to make it through an hour and half of ballet.

Even with eating this stuff today, during ballet I had a couple of "black-out" moments.  You know, when you momentarily black-out but don't pass out or anything?  Yeah, not good.  I'm glad I ate what I did or else I might have fainted.  And that would be NOT GOOD.  So make a note: on ballet-days eat more than usual.

So I got home and had the last 1/4 of my chicken salad sandwich and one of those small cups of peaches (70 cal.)  I still feel pretty worn-out though.

Tomorrow I have ballet right after school and then flute lesson.  So I have to eat something before I go to those or else I will pass out.  I'm thinking of not eating until the drive between school and ballet (after school.)  And I'm going to keep that my only meal.  So that should be around 500 calories exactly.

Here's my food consumption today:

7:00 AM
1 1/2 eggs - 111
1 mini bagel - 120
1 tbsp 1/2cal butter - 50

5:30 PM (before ballet)
3/4 chicken salad sandwich - 375

8:40 PM (after ballet)
1/4 chicken salad sandwich - 125
1 cup of peaches - 70

TOTAL CALORIES = 851

(I know it is against the fasting-rules to have that many calories.  But I had to eat or else I was going to pass out.  And then that means attention on me.  And since I'm losing weight at a fast pace, that's not a good idea at the moment.)

5 Day Fast - Day 2

Just got back from a major work-out session at the gym.  I feel good about it.  And I found the greatest invention made by man!  At the gym I go to, there's this machine that works the inner thighs.  I don't know why I never saw it before!  It's amazing.  Greatest thing, I swear.

So at this lovely place we like to call the gym, they have this lovely thing we like to call scales.  I was scared to weigh myself.  But I've been doing pretty well regarding my calories a couple days before the fast started anyways so I was hoping that would count for something.  And it turned out actually better than expected.  I am 108.8 lbs at the moment.  By the end of this fast, that should lower at least.... 4 lbs?  Then I'll be 104.  Which would make me so incredibly happy.

The only thing I've eaten today is half a banana this morning, so say... 70 calories?  My mom is bringing me dinner, so I'll probably hide that.

And... health-related.  Today towards the end of the school day (around 2:00 in the afternoon) I started feeling really light-headed.  And since then I've been feeling really sick to my stomach.  I suppose that means I'm doing well (:

I'm on a fasting/exercise high right now so I'm happy haha.  Today is a lovely day!

5 Day Fast - Day 1

Started a 5 day fast today.  Rules are that you can't exceed 500 calories (gives a safety for parents making you eat dinner, etc.)  Today I only had a small dinner because my mother made me, well under 500 cal.  

Here's the group-fast: http://pana43.blogspot.com/2010/01/for-fasters.html

Stay BEAUTIFUL <3

Good Day

Today is a good day.  I'm pretty elated at the moment.  On Thursday, after my ballet class, one of the girls looked at me and said "how do you stay so skinny?"  This made me so incredibly happy I can't even describe.  It's the "have you lost weight" compliment.  It means my dieting and exercising is working.  That one comment made my week... no made my month.   I just have to keep it up.

Went to the store today, got a lot of cool low-calorie foods.  I'm so glad there is so much to choose from.  So far today I've only had 250 calories.  I'm going to have one of my frozen dinners, probably around 300 calories max, so my total will probably be around 500 calories.  Good day.  Just... good day.  I'm really getting back into rigorously counting my calories.  I eat less that way.  One thing I do need to work  on is my exercise.  Being in ballet does help, but if I could squeeze in some of that extra physical activity, I could really boost this weight-loss.  I still do not, unfortunately, have a scale to measure my weight.  It's not working.  Hopefully my mom will get another one on her own, though I doubt it because we are so broke right now.  I'll just have to rely on the scale at the gym (which is much more accurate anyways) and will force me to work-out more.  Win-win I suppose in this situation.

Next time I weigh myself I will be 105 or less.  I won't weigh myself until I think I'm there.  That will inspire me to really work hard on this.  Wish me luck.  And remember you are all beautiful <3

one shot

"If you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted, one moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?"

the new year

I am exhausted but I cannot sleep.  I have worked on my painting, completed assembling 2 drawers of my new 6-drawer dresser, downloaded a shitload of music, and pondered the meaning of life.  Now it's 2:00 in the morning... the morning of the first day back at school since the 2 week break... and I cannot sleep.  No need to mention that I have to "wake up" for school in 4 hours... although I just did...

So at the moment I'm listening to some good old Damien Rice.  Chill-out kind of music.  No doubt everyone else is probably asleep so they're not deadbeat-tired for school.  I still need to finish the doll I'm making for my friend.  I should be finishing the doll.  But just...one more day.

Today marks the beginning.  The beginning of my new life, my new goals, my new aspirations and accomplishments.  Today marks the first day of a long journey to my success and to my happiness.  It won't be an easy one but I am hell-bent on getting there.  I can be someone.  Someone important.  Someone other people want to be around and look up to.  A good role model.  A good friend.  Someone with a portfolio of accomplishments.  Creativity, imagination, freedom, movement.  I can be someone.  Someone happy.

By the way I don't have a weigh-in because the scale isn't working.  I'll write in some numbers as soon as possible.

Also I love this quote: "Starve my pain away, make me beautiful, make everything ok, turn my problems into bone, crush them up, gather the remains, blow away the dust."

Oh and by the way here are my new years resolutions:
1. weigh 95 lbs
2. go on pointe
3. be in the nutcracker
4. paint 1 painting a month
5. draw a comic
6. learn blender program and create 3D animation
7. start youtube video blog
8. write a book
9. read and finish 1 book a week
10. practice flute 1 hour a day (practice at least 5 days a week)
11. keep room clean
12. work harder at school
13. get a job
14. eat less
15. exercise more
         -10 min constant running, every three days increase 1 min (at least 4 times a week)
         -100 sit-ups a day
         -50 push-ups a day
         -stretch every day
         -3 sets of 30 sec back-bridge-bends.

 And last: you are all beautiful <3