Dear Mia

I'm scared.  For the first time during these starving circumstances, I just purposely threw up.  I binged.  And the incredibly full feeling in my stomach scared me.  I don't want all that to turn into fat.  I'm up to 118 again right now.  I'm beginning to wonder if how incredibly large and fat I really look is based on my actual weight, or the eyes I'm looking through.  Sometimes, I could weigh 115 and I look perfectly fine in the mirror, even though the weight seems high.  Then I'll be 110 and I'll have huge thighs, flabby arms, triple chins, etc.  I'll be completely disgusting even though the weight is numerically lower.  Sometimes I think my scale tells me lies just to mess with my head.

binge this evening...
...3 bowls of cereal, 1 cup of cran-apple juice, 5 wheat crackers, 5 thin slices of cheese,  5 chick-fil-a nuggets, 5 chick-fil-a waffle fries, 1 glass of lemonade...


I felt disgustingly full.  My mom's not home, and my brother's upstairs.  So I...went to my mom's bathroom.  Turned on the sink water to high.  Pushed my fingers back into my throat 20 times before I could do it.  I cried while I threw up.  Flushed the toilet.  Washed my mouth.  Wiped my tears.  Brushed my teeth.  Acted like nothing happened.

My throat hurts and my stomach is churning.  I feel like crying yet feel strangely happy at the same time.  I'm talking to people normally now.  I'm telling them lies.  If anyone knew the truth about me... well....I don't know what to say about that hypothetical situation.  I don't think I threw up enough of the food in my stomach, I don't feel empty yet.  But I'm too scared to go back into that bathroom and stick those fingers back down my throat.  So I'll stick with what I've got.  It is much better than before I threw up....  the way I talk now scares me.