750

Job interview tomorrow after school.   Also going to be trying out for the school band during school.  And I'm sick right now with a cold.  Worst time but that's what Advil is for.  I can't afford to be sick.  There's too much to do.  I'm happy with my calories intake today though.  Good day overall.

1 can chicken noodle soup - 160
10 water crackers - 140
4 plain waffle - 380
1 diced peaches - 70
        =750

117 lbs (I can feel the fat festering in my body.)

this is disappointing...

I can't stop eating....

Size 0

ƒriday (2/19/10):
tilapia and steamed broccoli - 300 cal
    =300 calories
2.5 mile distance (alternating run/walk [total 1/2 each])

I don't know what I weigh in at right now.  Going to buy size 0 jeans today ƒor inspiration.
            -stay beautiƒul <3

Fading

Expected Body Weight - 101 lbs
Current Weight - 116 lbs

Today = Fail.  Was hungry.  Thus I ate.  What is wrong with me?

Breakfast - 1 Bowl of Special K Cereal (2 Servings, 1 1/2 Cup[220]) and Whole Milk (1 Cup[180])
Lunch - 1/3 Turkey Sandwich (Bread [100], 2 pieces of turkey[76], lettuce [3]) and 1 pack of Baked Potato Chips [100]
Dinner - 6'' Subway Sandwich (Bread [150], 2 pieces of turkey[76], 1 1/2 salami[100], 1 1/2 peperoni[50], lettuce [8], 1 1/2 pepper jack cheese[120], 2 tbsp Mayo[200]) and 2 Bowls of Special K Cereal (2 Servings each[440]) and Whole Milk (1 Cup[360])

Total Calories = 2183... these numbers are shameful and I am disgusted in myself.  I don't even know if the websites I got these calories from are reliable. So I don't know what the real number is.  Though I dread putting that large number up, they make me look weak.  But this blog is about truth.  And this is today's awful truth.  From now on I'll only eat food with the calories on the package.  I need to keep better track of my daily intake.
(cry, restrict that fat out of you.  how can you stand to look at yourself you disgusting, fat, weak, little girl)

I don't deserve to sleep tonight.  So I will not sleep.  Tomorrow is a time for self-sacrifice.  If I can't do this, I can't do anything.  If I can't amount to this expectation, what point is there for me to try anything else.  This is the obstacle and small achievement I must pursue.  Stress takes its toll.

Plan for the weekend...
2/19/10 Friday - Fasting Day
5:00 AM - Run for 30 min
8:00 AM to 4:00 PM - School
4:30 PM - Run for 30 min, 100-200 situps, 30-50 pushups, 100-200 squats, 100 stair runs (up/down=1), 100-200 squats, 50-100 leg lifts (front, side, back), dance practice - bar work and recital.
Stretches - ALL

2/20/10 Saturday - Fasting Day
Goal Weight - 114 lbs
Should do above exercises if possible

2/21/10 Sunday - Fasting Day
Goal Weight - 112 lbs
Should do above exercises if possible 

2/22/10 Monday - School
Goal Weight - 110 lbs

Projected Weight Loss:
6 lbs in 4 days... = Extreme weight loss... after that let the numbers fade to the double digits...

and I'm fading..

Zero

Wednesday 2/17/2010 - 0 Calories
116 lbs.

Perfection

Acrobats.  Dancers.  Gymnasts.  This is my perfection.  Smile love, for the end is near and the new beginning can't wait any longer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOF4c3RD19Y&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzHCe6OpM1U&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUrJuSh0evE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQ0L24YbGGI&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDMID8w1JuY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gz4LKiJZsdY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaRJFM3EAZw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuAEf6GR7ys

Let us create the music that will make us get up and dance.  Move to the beat that makes your soul sing.

Falling Into Pieces

I purged again this evening....  I'm ashamed of myself and my small grip on life I had is falling away.  I planned on eating nothing today because after purging the first time, I'm (1) scared of food (2) hanging with friends, they make you eat bad things and everything in sight (3) thus I feel disgusting.  So my plan went well until I went to the movies with my friends and this guy gave me chocolates for Valentine's Day.  I didn't want to be rude, so I ate them (3 1/2 pieces.)  Then I told them I'd be right back.  Left the theater, threw away the rest of it, went into the bathroom and...purged it all up.  Then I went back into the theater and acted like nothing had just happened.  I haven't eaten anything since and I don't plan on it.  I don't want to ever purge again.  I'd rather not eat than purge when I eat too much.

I'm falling into pieces inside.  Allow me to keep myself perfect on the outside so no one worries.  I don't want anyone to worry.  Inside, I'm a tangled up, disgusting, screaming, mess.  I feel very worthless.  I don't deserve anything.  I wish to be perfect.... 

Dear Mia

I'm scared.  For the first time during these starving circumstances, I just purposely threw up.  I binged.  And the incredibly full feeling in my stomach scared me.  I don't want all that to turn into fat.  I'm up to 118 again right now.  I'm beginning to wonder if how incredibly large and fat I really look is based on my actual weight, or the eyes I'm looking through.  Sometimes, I could weigh 115 and I look perfectly fine in the mirror, even though the weight seems high.  Then I'll be 110 and I'll have huge thighs, flabby arms, triple chins, etc.  I'll be completely disgusting even though the weight is numerically lower.  Sometimes I think my scale tells me lies just to mess with my head.

binge this evening...
...3 bowls of cereal, 1 cup of cran-apple juice, 5 wheat crackers, 5 thin slices of cheese,  5 chick-fil-a nuggets, 5 chick-fil-a waffle fries, 1 glass of lemonade...


I felt disgustingly full.  My mom's not home, and my brother's upstairs.  So I...went to my mom's bathroom.  Turned on the sink water to high.  Pushed my fingers back into my throat 20 times before I could do it.  I cried while I threw up.  Flushed the toilet.  Washed my mouth.  Wiped my tears.  Brushed my teeth.  Acted like nothing happened.

My throat hurts and my stomach is churning.  I feel like crying yet feel strangely happy at the same time.  I'm talking to people normally now.  I'm telling them lies.  If anyone knew the truth about me... well....I don't know what to say about that hypothetical situation.  I don't think I threw up enough of the food in my stomach, I don't feel empty yet.  But I'm too scared to go back into that bathroom and stick those fingers back down my throat.  So I'll stick with what I've got.  It is much better than before I threw up....  the way I talk now scares me.