Auditions and Revelations

I was reading a blog earlier about this girl who was closing hers down for good.  Reason being, her boyfriend found it.  That got me thinking a little.  I mean, what if someone found this blog, someone I know.  How would they react.  They would surely react negatively.  No one I  know could see the positivity I hold in this.  This is my safety, my comfort, the place I find girls like me that pursue the same goal and bear the same past.  We all need each other.  And we all need Ana/Mia.  To survive in this world we call home where people lie and cheat, and the best sincerity you find is in the sun itself.  I speak to you from my heart and from the bottom of my empty stomach.  This life is the life I lead.  Completely secret.  It's the first and last thing on my mind at all times.  Ana and Mia never go away.  Most people I know probably haven't even ever heard of Pro Ana sites or anything like that.  I wonder what they would think if they knew. 

On another note, I have a ballet audition to get into this one really good school.  It's this Saturday.  Wish me luck, I'm so excited and nervous at the time time.

Also, I've lost 5 lbs.  15 to go until I'm at 100.  Gonna buy some new clothes when I get my paycheck this Friday.

Love you all,
xxpaperdollxx

CW: 115 lbs

my life is dark

What's wrong with me?  I purged this evening again.  This time, way more than the past 4 times.  This makes 5 times I've purged total.  I ate over 2,000 cal today.  Complete binge.  I couldn't handle it.  And I threw up.. a lot.  My throat hurts but I don't know... whenever I purge, its like there's something that clicks inside of me that makes things bearable.  That's weird.. I know.  What's wrong with me...

Tomorrow my friends want to go out to eat breakfast before school so I'll be forced to eat.  I'll have...1 1/2 pancakes out of the 3 that come on the plate.  I'll ask for no butter.  And I will eat NOTHING else the rest of the day.  So that will be around 165 cal.  

My friends are picking me up at 6:00 in the morning.  Waking up at 4:00 because I want to be pretty.  That may seem strange but I'm a morning person.  Mornings are laced with blissful waking before memory restores and secondary equity as the darkness exemplifies the time before the sun rises rather than a time to resemble an elongated time of darkness.

I'm using this website to monitor my weight.  It's a really good tool to overview everything you're doing.
http://fitday.com/

this is a life of skin and bones.  fat is the enemy.  control is the fixative.  while everything in our lives fall apart, one thing is within itself, solid.  this life is dark.

new goal: fit into size 00 jeans.  100 lbs.

stay beautiful girls and love yourselves.  sometimes that's all we've got <3

Truth Lie In Numbers

This is war.  A battle between food and air.  Empty and full combat in their everlasting hostility.  I need food to live.  I need air to live full.  I fast.  After I breathe in the empty air it expands in my stomach and makes me feel artificially full.  Numbers fade.  Reduce.  Diminish.  And life is once again what it's supposed to be. 

I purged this afternoon after eating too much.  My stomach was expanding, overflowing through my insides until it ruptured out of me.  Fat suppressed my spirit and numbers were large.  I purged more than I've ever purged during one sitting.  I usually get too scared after 2-4 times sticking fingers down my throat.  This time I may have done it 10 times in one sitting.  I purged last week also.  Equaling 4 times in total.  It's getting easier to purge now. 

My dad told me I'm a piece of shit.  My ex-boyfriend is spreading rumors that I'm a lesbian.  I don't understand what I've done wrong.  Everything hurts so much.  It's unbearable.  I skipped school today because I couldn't face him or anyone because I know they are just laughing at me.  I don't understand how people can be so mean.  So I stayed home depressed.  And those thoughts slowly crept up in my mind.  Why be here if it's so difficult to be happy?  Then my friend was talking to me, asked why I wasn't at school.  So I told him.  That's something I don't usually do.  So he invited me over and we hung out.  He cheered me up and listened to what I had to say.  That made me feel better but I dread going to school tomorrow, more than you know.

Instant suicide is frightening and sudden.  Anorexia and Bulimia are slow suicides...

CW: 120 lbs