How Could I Tell Him

(((This is how I am feeling about my ex-boyfriend that I haven't seen or talked to in over a year.  We used to be really close.  I'm about to see him in a couple of weeks for the first time.  I really miss him and I'm uncontrollably still in love with him.  It's a tragedy as of now.)))

How could I tell him. How could he know that what I was struggling with over a year ago. Those sick thoughts I began to think. Every step. Every whisper. Every secret I told only him and no one else. Still haunt me today. How could I tell him that I've finally figured it out. How can he know today that my sickness in translated by my body. How can he really understand that I am only a reflection of what I see. But that today my bones only relate me to the repetition of a common, disgusting disease. And to what I would starve for 1 year ago, is what I became today. Will he think I am a shadow of what I was. Or that I am nothing more than what I have become. Can I truly be the same in his eyes. Can I truly be who I am when he looks at me. If I became this way for a truth unknown, how can he love me. How could he really see who I am if I've lost what I was. Will he equate what's happened, and what is now, to how I have finally and ultimately figured it out. That over the year without him, I became a master and perfecter of denying myself pleasure and
necessity. I have denied myself food. I finally figured it out. And my body reflects what imperfection still remains.

How could I tell him...

 

That I want to scream.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6JansGfpf4 

My Beautiful, Horrible Secret

I want to tell you all that I believe in you.  And because of that, I must believe in myself.  I can do this and this time it's going to actually happen.

Current weight: 110 lbs
Goal weight: 95 lbs
Need to lose: 15 lbs

My 17th birthday is in 10 days and I am determined to lose at least 5-8 lbs by then.  That way I will be under 105 in time for birthday pictures.  I hope to be thin and beautiful in them so that I can look back and smile.

I just ordered an XS dress online.  It's the cutest dress I have ever seen and if I can fit in it for my birthday, I'll be the happiest girl alive!  I can't wait for it to come in the mail!

I have this new boyfriend.  One more person to love.  One more person to keep this from.  And that's for a fact, that he will never know.  It makes me think, I've been obsessed with losing weight for over a year now and I haven't told a soul about how truly obsessive it is.  And I plan to keep it that way.  I know that if anyone I know were to ever find out, they would be so disappointed that I kept something so huge from them.  But since they will never find out, all will be well.  This is just one of those things that no one has to know, even the closest people in your lives.

This is my beautiful, horrible secret.

1 1/2

Just lost 1 1/2 lbs since yesterday.
CW: 113 lbs

update

CW: 114.5 lbs

losing 20 lbs and fading

Do you think people would notice if I lost weight?  If I lost 10 lbs (to 105 lbs).  Do you think people would start saying something at that point.  What about 20 lbs (to 95 lbs).  Do you think something would be mentioned?  I don't have much to say and sometimes I think I'm fading.  Disappearing before anyone's eyes.  Before and between my own eyes I sometimes see nothing.  As if the second you step in front of the mirror you see nothing of yourself.  You have vanished from the face of this Earth and the only thing that remains is blubbering, revolting fat.  Your bones haven't even surfaced to be visually appealing because the fat is covering them in blankets of thick, impenetrable overflow of flesh.  I apologize for all my complaining.  I promise that come August 23rd (when school begins) I will have made great progress.  I will do this.  I can do this.

don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat

signed...
a fading, dull, and invisible girl.

CW: 116 lbs

Let's Do This!

So guess what I'm doing right this moment.  I'm eating a chocolate chip and pecan cookie with a tall ice cold glass of milk.  Tonight is my last "meal" and I wanted to make it whatever I wanted.  So I picked milk and cookies, my personal favorite (:  Tomorrow starts my life.  No matter what, I will do this!  And tomorrow is a water fast day to purge my system of impurities.  I'm more excited than I've ever been to do something so... pure and perfect.  By August 23 I will be 100 lbs.  No excuses!  Come first day of school I will be beautiful.  I just got back from the beautiful New York City and I am more inspired than ever.  Plus, I got the cutest clothes there that I know I would look great in if I lost 20 lbs.  An easy 20 lbs because my mind is set.  It's not just the weight.  I want to purge myself of all impurities.  I'm going to make it a promise to myself, to keep my room and my personal belongings in an organizable sort of way, clean and beautiful.  I want to make my life my own, and losing the weight is the first step while at the same time keeping my surroundings neat.  And I want to learn a new instrument.  I want to learn the violin.  So I'm going to decide when school starts back up if I have the time to do so.  And if I do, you'll be the first to know!   And this year, I'm going to work 10 times...no, 20 times as hard on my ballet.  I want to be the best.  This next month is crunch time.

On another note, I wanted to develop the best inspiration possible.  I think we all need support sometimes, or all the time, and I think that if some of us grouped together, just a small group, then we could really help each other out when in the past we've given up.  We could e-mail each other back and forth, giving frequent updates to keep us in line for our weight loss, ya know?  If you want to do that then just e-mail me or comment on here.

A Little Self-Hate To Quicken The Pace

You are fat because you eat.  Those two in the morning brownies aren't going to enter your body without adding a little weight.  No.  A lot of weight.  A lot of disgusting weight.  They go in with a smile, you know.  A smirk.  Look at your lack of discipline.  You can't put down a simple brownie for the sake of shedding those extra pounds just for a quick and instant sugar gratification to later be filled with regret and hateful remorse?  You sicken me and you know you are a failure when you take that bite.  You are filled with fat.  It's bubbling inside you.  It's a disease inside you.  How can you stand to keep it inside you.  Lose 10 pounds and then we'll talk.  Until then, don't even talk to me you sick, disgusting, huge excuse for a dancer.

Current Weight is still.... 113 lbs.