New Year Regimen

It's December 28, 2009.  So I have about 4 days to perfect my New Year's resolutions.  I'm trying to decide which diet I want to start the new year with or if I should make my own.  I heard green tea is good for your metabolism which I'm afraid will be shot from fasting too much.  So I'm wondering if I went on a green tea fast, if it would help my metabolism a bit.  I'm stuck at 108 lbs at the moment, and I refuse to let my weight stay there.  I was also thinking about doing the ABC Diet for the first 50 days of 2010.  I heard it provides great results, however tedious and harsh it is to endure.  Or I could do one of those fruit diets.  Which I suppose could be turned into a vegetable diet if I wanted to tweak it a bit.  Fruit is pleasurable to eat and has few calories so that diet sounds like a nice one.  Or I could only eat salads.  Salads and water....  I'll let you know which one I end up doing, or maybe a combination I dunno.

So I haven't eaten in about 17 hours.  All I've had is green tea and water for those 17 hours.  0 calories.  Now I'm feeling quite sick.  When I'm not eating like this my body doesn't always feel sick.  Sometimes I feel fine, free, empty, and light.  But sometimes I have horrible hunger pangs, or I feel so incredibly sick to my stomach that I can hardly move, like right now.  It's a trick of the dice.

So I'm planning on eating a chicken caesar salad and a lot of cold water.  I may make it carbonated water.  No calories, but helps the sick feeling.  I won't eat much.  I'm forcing my stomach to be able to eat less and less.  Make it a habit and I won't even have to think about it anymore.

With my strict regime I will be making for the new year, I will put some rules in place for myself.  Certain expectations I must obey for the year unless I change it to a more fitting rule for weight-loss.  Plus, certain things just make me sick thinking about it.  I'm thinking about a few things...  never eat sweets.  No high-sugar food.  I have a sweet tooth and I'm going to break that.  Also, no beef and no pork.  Chicken and fish are alright.  So I'm not going all-vegetarian.  Just cutting out the beef and pork in my diet.  No junk food (potato chips, snack foods.)  Lessen milk content (milk kind of grosses me out sometimes.)  And in the exercise portion I'm going to push myself much more than I have been.  At the moment I'm not very fit.  Ballet is out for the holidays and won't start back up until January 4th (when school starts as well.)  And I haven't been able to go to the gym.  Also it's too cold to run outside.  As soon as possible, I will exercise as much as possible.  In the meantime, I'm working hard on my flexibility.  Another thing is that when I got back to school (Jan 4) I want to be thinner than I was when I left.  No question about it.

want to see how far down I can sink?

I have recently put together some pieces of the puzzle in my life: my mother is just like me.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was filled with other people's get togethers.  And now I sit alone. My mother spends every waking minute with or talking to her boyfriend.  And apparently that includes Christmas as well.  My brother's with my father and their friends right now.  And I am... alone.  On the brightside, I've made a new discovery..

During Christmas Eve dinner (my mother's boyfriend, my brother, my mother, and myself) I realized the conversation between my mother and her boyfriend was quite interesting.  She acts like she doesn't eat that much.  And I think that illusion she gives her boyfriend is actually true.  I've been wondering how she's lost so much weight lately and I never really considered that she wasn't eating as much.  But it's true, she's eating less because she has a boyfriend.  But I don't blame her...  boys like small girls, no matter what.  Even if they try to tell us otherwise.

She is 118 lbs at 5'4'' and 48 years old.  She's a tiny woman.  I wish I was short like her.  5'6'' is a bit tall.  But I can live with it.  I am 108 lbs at 5'6'' and 16 years old.  I can be smaller.  When she was my age, she was 100 lbs.  And I will be the same.  I'll make sure of it.

The stress is getting to me.  I'm having small breakdowns in the quiet of my room.  I just have to keep them in the quiet of my room.  Can't let my mom's ill-decisions get to me.  Not in front of her anyways.  I've decided that I don't need her anymore and I don't care what she does.  That's why my life is called my life, not hers.  Not eating will satisfy my loss of control.  Something to be happy about as I watch the numbers get smaller and smaller on the scale.

I had my first drink earlier this week.  Went over to my friends house and she had a bottle of vodka in her drawer.  She didn't have very much and although she said it was enough to get her drunk, it did basically and absolutely nothing for me.  Just a weird taste.  We mixed it with orange juice and sprite because alone, I think it tastes like a bottle of perfume.  Next time I'll drink more.

I need to be like those girls in the next city over.  The city I live in is slightly poor, considering it's right next to an incredibly wealthy city.  And girls in wealthy neighborhoods are always...perfect.  They are all perfect.  And I will be like them.  They have perfect clothes, perfect bodies.  Small, petite, thin, bodies.  Small thighs.  Perfectly straightened hair.  Perfect makeup.  Perfect personalities.  Perfect friends.  Perfect boyfriends.  Perfect houses.  Perfect families.  Perfect hobbies and goals.  I need their perfect lives because mine is far from it.  I hate broken families...  it makes everything else so hard to be perfect.

The word "perfect" starts looking weird when you see it so many times...

I went shopping with my friend recently.  And I noticed something.  I don't know why I never noticed it before.  Stores that are more expensive have smaller jean sizes in abundance, and it's harder to find sizes 5 and up.  There are so many 00 and 0's.  In stores that are less expensive, there are many more larger sizes, and it's harder to find sizes like 1's, 0's, and 00's.  I find that interesting. 

Smiles let other people think we're fine.  When inside we're actually screaming our guts into a disgusting mess of emptiness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSgFCzGBjcg

eat less, weigh less

I looked in the mirror this morning and I saw the bones between my breasts.  I can kind of see my ribs as well.  My hip bones are much more pronounced and my love handles are almost gone.  My collarbone is sticking out much more.  I'm also noticing that my thighs are slowly, but surely, shrinking bit by bit.  And my arms, if I keep this up, will continue to be smaller around.

At 108 lbs I can finally see my body developing into the tiny, thin, body I strive for it to be.  I lost 10 lbs in 2 weeks.  I'm under my 10-pound-fluctuating-body-weight-range.

I will continue losing weight if I can just keep this up.  And I will keep this up.  I've kept up a simple diet: eating half of everything I would usually eat, or less.  I've kept every day well under 1000 calories, usually under 700 calories.  Food is naturally becoming more and more disgusting to me.  Mostly all the bad food: cafeteria lunches (I don't want to know what they put in the steak-fingers), fried foods, anything drenched in fat or oil, or overly with sugar, sweets (although I have a big sweet tooth) I am reducing and with every bite I lower anything else I may eat, etc.  Foods like fruits (especially apples, which I can cut into pieces and eat small amounts each day), vegetables (especially cooked carrots or broccoli, and most definitely salads.  love salads.), nuts (I'm especially in love with cashews but I keep it in small portions); I am leaning more towards.  I just like them more now and the bad foods I kind of scrunch up my nose at.  I can hardly eat them even if I wanted to.  Which I don't.

We had to write a speech in Speech Class this week about a social issue/controversy.  I, ironically, did mine on Eating Disorders. I'm nervous to talk about it.  One girl has already done a speech on it but personally, I thought she was too judgmental about the topic and she just didn't get it.  She has obviously, never starved herself for any period of time.

I've found a new friend.  She's this girl in my P.E. class.  She's not really an ana-buddy, but she's the closest to it that I've found in real life.  She used to weigh a lot and she's recently lost a bunch of weight.  Now she loves exercising and eating well.  She would freak out if she knew the things I do and how far I go to lose weight but I know she cares about her appearance much like I do.  I think she's one inch shorter than me and when I told her I was 108 lbs she told me she was 106 lbs.  We both high-five'd each other.  It's kind of nice having someone else who takes pride in losing weight.

Also, I'm in love with this song: Sweetheart, You Are Sadly Mistaken by Alesana

behind closed doors

I always feel like I'm separated from the world around me. I don't know. It just seems like the way everyone else seems to be thinking is completely different from the way I think.. and feel. I'm not trying to be in anyone's way. I don't want to hurt anyone around me. I'm just trying to make it to 17 without completely losing myself.

My goal: to be pretty

Maybe if I achieve that, I'll be happy.

I feel like there's nowhere for me to go. Like I don't have a home. Not really. It's either my mother's house. Or it's my dad's house. At my mom's house, she brings over her boyfriend. In which times I stay locked up in my room. My dad's dating too. I don't dare say anything about it though. They have the right to live their lives...right.

I'm feeling left behind. They don't really have time for me anymore. They're off looking for their own happiness. And since my brother's 18 and I'm 16 already, we're pretty much "all grown up." Like we don't need them anymore. But what do my parents know about how much I need them? While they've been caught up in finding happiness, somewhere along the line, they forgot about me. So that in the monotony of everyday life, I find myself alone in my family's home.

24 hour days lead to 7 day weeks. And before we know it, we've gone through a whole year not remembering a single day that's gone passed. What were we doing that made us forget?

I never see my dad. I miss him. I live with my mom, but I don't really see her, not really. I miss her too. I wish they weren't dating other people. They were supposed to be together forever. But life doesn't always give you happy endings. Life's hurt and misery lead to accomplishment and strength... if you can get past the first hundred beatings....

All the petty things everyone's so caught up in seem silly in hindsight when you're sad...

proving more difficult

Hey everyone.

So this is my first post and so I'm just going to give you an overview of what this blog is specifically going to be about.

First of all I want to add a disclaimer, saying that this blog is not meant to be pro or anti ana or mia or anything like that. It is only my experiences and what I am going through specifically. I have no formal medical training and the conclusions I come to are no more than educated guesses. I do not recommend doing anything I do for anyone.

If you are recovering, please don't read this. If you plan of telling me how stupid I am or selfish or whatever words you want to use, please don't read this.

Now that that's out of the way...

I go by xxpaperdollxx.
I'm 16 years old
I am 5'6''
My weight is fluctuating between 110 lbs and 120 lbs
My passion is for ballet.

Goal weight 1: 100 lbs
Goal weight 2: 95 lbs
Goal weight 3: 90 lbs

I am obsessed with counting calories. I cannot go a day without counting every calorie I've consumed that day. My thighs are huge and my arms flabby. My hands are pocketed with fat and my chin is triple layered. My stomach pouches and grows each day.

I want to be ballerina thin. Light so I can dance on my toes.
I want to thin my arms and lessen my thighs.
I want to flatten my stomach and thin my hips.
I want to show my collarbone and let my fingers lengthen to a petite elegance.
I want my flexibility to be that of a rhythmic gymnast.
I want endurance of an 8 mile runner.
I want coordination and memory.
I want to fly in the air.
I want to be pretty.

11/28/09 Sat - 325 calories
11/29/09 Sun - 439 calories
11/30/09 Mon - 672 calories
12/01/09 Tues - 207 calories

These past 4 days have been pretty good on how many calories I've had. Problem is... I haven't lost any weight. Which makes no sense. I don't understand how this is. Today I ate more than this and I'm scared to count the calories... That's why I'm fasting tomorrow (Thursday) through at least Sunday. Then Monday morning I will weigh myself. The hardest part about this won't be not eating, it'll be getting around my mom.

Wish me luck.