5 Day Fast - Day 4

Today is not a good day.  Final Exams are really getting to me.  I'm trying to get sleep but no matter how much I get, I'm still extremely exhausted.  All I want to do is lie down and just...sleep.  I'm so stressed out.  I had an extreme melt-down over the smallest thing last night.  I was hyperventilating and everything.  I couldn't hold myself together.  I'm getting kind of irritated easily too.  I just have no energy.  Walking to my different classes today just wore me out.  Something as simple as that.

So I thought it was the lack of calories I've had lately.  I've hardly eaten anything lately, and I've been working out and going to ballet during that lack-of-calorie-intake.  I have a hard time being myself.  It's a chore to act like I have energy.  It's hard to keep my arm in the air.  I'm just so...tired.  So I tried to eat some today.  I'll tell you it was probably between 500-1000 cal.  I dunno where in the middle though.  I don't really feel like counting the calories I ate today.  I'm just going to feel worse about myself.  I'm set in self-destructive mode and I can't get out of it.  I feel horrible.  Eating didn't help at all.  If anything, I feel worse.  Life just sucks and fasting is making me remember everything bad that's going on in my life.  So I will fast more, so that I can forget everything bad that's going on in my life.

I know this is bad.  My life is slowly and surely spinning out of control as long as I stay so tightly in control like this.  I force myself to be perfect.  Anything less I will not accept.  Numbers and words matter.  Feelings do not.  For me.  I might be going to the gym tomorrow.  Which means I'll be weighing myself tomorrow.  I dread this but I know I must do it.  I feel like eating today and yesterday made me gain 10 pounds.  We'll see tomorrow.